Will the Real Raisin Rodriguez Please Stand Up? Read online

  As we continued, I heard the sound of two people creeping up behind us. “Ahem, ahem,” I heard one of the voices say, loud and clear. And loud.

  I knew that the right thing to do was to stop. But then what? Expose my girlstache for all to see? Without CJ’s head serving as my human shield, I was lost. There was no plan B. So I just continued along as if I hadn’t heard a thing, and so did CJ.

  “This is good, actually. We can time them and record the findings for our study,” I heard Lynn say to Jeremy.

  Which was all CJ needed to hear before his focus was pulled away from me, followed by his human shield head. “STUDY? WHAT KIND OF STUDY?” I wasn’t crazy about being exposed again, but I was glad that CJ and JereLynn had something to bond over. So I just pretended to scratch my upper lip while I thought of an alternate solution. Not that anyone was paying attention to me anyway. CJ and Lynn were busy throwing around phrases like data analysis, control group, and tongue action. And Jeremy was half listening, half ripping a Family Guy Band-Aid off his elbow.

  Thank goodness for Jeremy.

  “Hey,” I whispered in his ear. “You done with that?”

  “This?” he shouted, pointing at the Band-Aid.

  “Yes,” I answered, covering my lips with my finger. “Can I have it?”

  “Why? What do you need it for?” he asked.

  “I hurt myself,” I said.

  Jeremy handed over the Band-Aid with a look of disgust mixed with pity. I guess he thought sharing used Band-Aids was gross or something. As someone who eats with the same hands he sticks under his armpits to make fart noises, he’s hardly one to judge, but it wasn’t the right time to be pointing that out. I had to stay concentrated on the task of putting the Family Guy Band-Aid over my half mustache.

  I must have been quite a sight, because the Band-Aid stopped the science talk dead in its tracks. I took the break in activity as an opportunity to check whether Jeremy and Lynn had gift bags with them. They did.

  “Uh, Raise, what do you have goin’ on over your lip?” asked Lynn, taking out an assignment pad and a pen as if she was getting ready to take notes.

  “She’s hurt,” Jeremy said in my defense. Which I thought was very nice of him, especially in light of the pity and disgust. I immediately took back that thought I had about the armpit farts.

  Then CJ touched his lip as if to check whether he was hurt too.

  Lynn wrote something down and chuckled. “Don’t worry, CJ. You’re fine. Injury free,” she said. Then she paused and looked out the corner of her eye at Jeremy. He looked back at her and they both giggled. Then Jeremy stroked his chin as if it was an invisible beard and they burst into laughter again.

  “What’s so funny?” CJ asked as the line for the movie started moving.

  “CJ,” I half whispered, a little embarrassed. “I think it’s an inside joke between Jeremy and Lynn.”

  “That’s okay,” said Lynn. “That’s why we’re here. To take part in a typical Saturday night out and to share our thoughts.”

  “Okay, well, in that case, do tell,” I said, feeling bad for correcting CJ.

  “I guess it’s kind of like an inside joke,” Lynn started. “The reason we were laughing is that one time after Jeremy and I had been kissing, my chin got really red. At first we couldn’t figure out why. But that night when we were on the phone, Jeremy mentioned that he found one stray whisker growing out of his chin. The next day we saw that his whisker and my red patch were in the exact same areas of our chin. So we knew the whisker was the culprit. From then on, our secret signal for wanting to go mess around became rubbing our chins.”

  By that time we were taking our seats inside the theater. I was a little jealous that Lynn and Jeremy had a secret signal and we didn’t. Suddenly words were coming out of my mouth that hadn’t been cleared by my head. “We have a signal too!” I said, hoping that CJ would play along.

  “We do?” he asked.

  “You don’t have to be shy, CJ,” I said, trying to cover for him. “It’s okay to talk about. It’s just more findings for the study.”

  “Well, don’t findings need to be true in order to get into a study?” he asked.

  “I guess CJ’s a little more private than I am,” I said, giggling nervously just as the first preview started. “It’s really nothing, though,” I shouted over a cartoon monkey telling his girlfriend that he loved her. “We just clear our throat, and that’s how we know.” It was the best I could think of under pressure. Not that it mattered. Lynn and Jeremy were already fully absorbed by the monkey, who was now putting on his space helmet. I would have been fully absorbed by the monkey too—after all he was a monkey—but the way CJ was staring at my fibbing Band-Aid-covered mouth was too much of a distraction.

  By the time the preview for Space Monkeys was over, CJ had turned away from me and toward the movie screen. And by the time Alex/Alexandra was over, he seemed to have forgotten about my little white lie. Which some might call a big black lie.

  And others still a medium-gray lie.

  Like most other things, it all depends on who the person is. Whether they’re a giant, a Lilliputian, or a regular-sized person, whether or not they happen to be color blind. You know . . . like that.

  But I digress.

  Allow me to gress . . .

  After the movie, we all walked over to Towne Pizza to get something to eat. CJ and I were a couple of yards behind Jeremy and Lynn, who were laughing so hard I thought one of them could throw up any second. They were probably trading one inside joke after another.

  Their laughter made me feel like CJ and I were boring, so I tried to think of something unboring to say. But nothing I thought of seemed right. Eventually the quiet got too weird and uncomfortable and I had to say something.

  “What’d you think of the movie?” I asked CJ, settling on the absolute least unboring question of all.

  “I liked it a lot,” he said.

  “You did?” I shouted, feeling encouraged. “So did I!”

  “Oooookay, Raise,” said CJ, giving me the pre-Alex /Alexandria stare.

  “Sorry. I didn’t mean to overreact. But maybe that could be an inside joke we share. That we both liked the movie.”

  “But it’s not a joke. Or really that inside. I mean, it’s not private or secret or anything like that,” he said. Maybe he had a point, but couldn’t he just humor me? I was doing it for us.

  “Well, what’d you like about it?” I asked, as if my job was Boring Question Asker and I was hoping for a raise.

  “I liked how she was everyone’s favorite as a boy, but no one really noticed her as a girl.”

  “That’s what I liked!” I said, keeping my excitement to myself while silently reviewing for inside-joke potential.

  By the time we were seated at Towne Pizza, I still hadn’t come up with anything close to an inside joke. I was out of ideas and very hungry. Once our food arrived, I practically swallowed a whole pie by myself without even chewing. Which resulted in part of that pie getting caught in my throat. Which resulted in my need to clear my throat. Which resulted in CJ planting a kiss on me. Which I wasn’t prepared for and almost choked because of. Which resulted in me reacting by pushing him away.

  “What are you doing!?” I whisper-shouted at him.

  “I was responding to our secret signal,” he said.

  And that’s when I noticed that the Family Guy Band-Aid was now sticking to his mouth. He looked so silly, I couldn’t help but laugh. Which gave me an idea.

  “Oh God, you’re so funny, CJ,” I said as I took the Band-Aid and put it back on before anyone could get a good look at my lip. I turned to Lynn and Jeremy. “Isn’t he hilarious, you guys? What a joker! I mean, he knew I was clearing my throat for real and not as a secret signal, but he kissed me anyway, just to be funny. And as if that weren’t enough, he managed to get that goofy Band-Aid to stick to his mouth too.”

  (I never said the idea was a good idea.)

  Jeremy and Lynn gave their best
fake laugh, which was very sweet of them. But as much as I told myself it was genuine, the truth is, I wasn’t fooled. I guess they’re a better couple than me and CJ are. But they’ve also been at it longer.

  “How ’bout we open presents?” Lynn suggested. She was trying to get us all to forget my pathetic display, but all it did was remind me of my other problem.

  My eyes darted to CJ to see what he would do. If he looked nervous or embarrassed, then I’d know he forgot to bring something and I could pretend my gifts were from both of us. (I’d deal with the pain and feelings of rejection later.) But he didn’t look nervous at all. He just looked . . . like he was taking out his wallet.

  What’s small enough to fit in a wallet? I wondered as I picked my shopping bag up off the floor.

  We decided that we’d open all of my gifts first and then take turns going around the table. Lynn loved the black makeup set I got her, and Jeremy adored the bathroom jokes book I got him. “Does this have the one about the ghost poopie?” he asked.

  “Yes!” I told him. I guess I never realized we had the same sense of humor. Maybe if he was my boyfriend, I wouldn’t have so much trouble coming up with an inside joke for us.

  Next CJ opened my present. I was so excited as he slowly unwrapped the gift, carefully peeling each piece of Scotch tape off the paper, making sure to avoid even the tiniest tear, I almost grabbed it our of his hand and opened it myself. When he finally got it out, I yelled, “It’s a complete Lord of the Rings DVD boxed set! Isn’t it great?” Which was kind of ridiculous because he could see that it was a Lord of the Rings boxed set. But I was so proud of myself for finding him the perfect present, I couldn’t really help myself.

  Anyway, I could tell he liked it because he said, “Thanks for this Lord of the Rings boxed set. I like it,” so at least that part of the evening went well. If nothing else, maybe he’ll really miss me because of my gift-giving abilities.

  Next we opened Lynn’s presents. She made me a scrapbook with all these pictures of the two of us goofing around—at the CoolerThanYou meetings, at her house and my house, at parties . . . It also had stuff I wrote for the zine and notes we’d passed each other in class, and she decorated it with drawings and wrapping paper and calligraphy. It was really sweet and made me feel like she genuinely cares about me. (Normally I prefer store-bought presents to homemade, but maybe that’s because my homemade gifts are usually from Lola and they’re not so much made as picked up off the floor.)

  I have no idea what Lynn got for Jeremy or CJ because after I opened my gift I became consumed with wonder over what could possibly be in CJ’s wallet. I only started paying attention again when it was time for me to open my gift from Jeremy. He got me a T-shirt with a monkey on it. “How’d you know I like monkeys?” I asked him.

  “Because of Gordo. From your first blog,” he said. Isn’t that sweet? I was touched that he remembered.

  But not touched enough to pay attention to the presents he got for the other two because I was still trying to figure out what could fit in the wallet. Gift certificates? Trick gum? Sea monkeys? Sea monkeys wouldn’t have been that bad, actually. At least they’re monkeys.

  “Okay, CJ. It’s your turn,” I heard Lynn say. The sound of her voice snapped me right back to attention. Finally I would find out what was small enough to fit in a wallet and my curiosity/fear would be put to rest.

  You know what’s small enough to fit in a wallet?

  MONEY.

  THAT’S WHAT’S SMALL ENOUGH TO FIT IN A WALLET.

  CJ got us MONEY for Christmas.

  A twenty for Jeremy and Lynn and two twenties for me.

  Sixty dollars . . . very generous. But also very . . . money-ous.

  Correct me if I’m wrong, but money is what a grandmother gives. Not a thirteen-year-old boy. It’s a little weird. Then again, I’ve never minded CJ’s weirdness. I’ve always thought it was kind of cute. So why stop now? And besides, as weird a gift as money is, it always comes in handy. Especially around holiday time. So in that way, it could be considered very thoughtful.

  After we finished exchanging gifts, we left the restaurant. I said goodbye to Jeremy and Lynn and wished them a merry Christmas.

  Then CJ walked me home and we kissed goodbye. I was a little nervous about leaving him. I didn’t exactly succeed in making sure we had a lot of fun tonight. But then again, maybe in CJ’s weird little mind tonight was more fun than a day at the water park. So I decided to hope for the best. I was only going away for eight days anyway, and the Lord of the Rings boxed set had to be worth at least eight days of remembering me fondly.

  As soon as I walked in the door, Lynn called. “I just wanted to tell you how much I love your gift. I can’t believe I’ve been wearing Black Charcoal on my nails all this time when Black Roses is so much more vibrant.”

  “I loved your gift too. All the gifts. Jeremy’s and CJ’s too,” I said.

  “Yep, those were some gifts we got,” she said.

  “Do you think CJ liked his gift? Was it good enough to ensure he misses me while I’m gone?” I asked.

  “Absolutely, Raise. He’d be crazy not to miss someone who puts so much thought in the gifts she gives,” Lynn said. Then she told me the craziest thing. Which was that she and Jeremy broke up. Yesterday. But that they didn’t want to ruin tonight by saying anything to CJ and me. “I just felt it was time to move on,” she said.

  “But you guys get along so well,” I told her. “And you seemed like you were having so much fun tonight.”

  “We were. I guess we’re just better as friends. It’s less complicated. And this way Jeremy’s less likely to write a song for me for Black Christmas.”

  “What’s wrong with him wanting to do that?” I asked.

  “He’s missing the point of Black Christmas. Black Christmas is all about standing up against The Man. Not about singing mushy love songs. If he doesn’t get that, then he doesn’t really get me either,” Lynn said.

  “Right on,” I said. But only because I knew it was what she wanted to hear. Inside, I wished CJ would do something like write a song for me and sing it at Black Christmas.

  “And what’s the point of being with someone if they don’t really get you?” she added. Which is a very interesting point. I should make an appointment with myself to give that some more thought. But at that moment all I could think about was how I had to wake up at negative a hundred o’clock in the morning. So I just agreed with Lynn and wished her a very merry Black Christmas.

  “Merry Black Christmas to you too, Raise,” she said. “Have a great time in Berkeley.”

  “I sure will,” I told her, and then we hung up. Well, Kitties, I’m off to bed. See you soon!

  Thursday, December 23

  4 AM, EST

  Good morning, Kitties,

  I’n offfto the airpoo I mean, I’m off to the airport. Sorry I’m not reallly awak yet.

  It’s times like these I really wouldn’t mind trading places with Lola. When she travels with us, nobody even bothers to wake her up or change her out of her pajamas. In fact, when we flew here from Berkeley, the only time she woke up once during the whole trip was to throw up on herself. Then she went straight back to sleep while my mom and I had to clean her up. Now, that’s a girl who knows how to travel in style.

  By the time you read this I’ll have plowed through my stack of fashion magazines but will still be no closer to comprehending “What These Hollywood Starlets Know About Foundation.”

  Only eight hours and fourteen minutes until our tragic separation is mercifully put to rest.

  See you in Berkeley!

  7:30 AM, EST

  No—I’m not in Berkeley yet. My flight is delayed due to something called a wintry mix.

  I just had to write again because there’s absolutely nothing left to do in this airport. I’ve already read every magazine that looks even a little interesting. I even bought a magazine called Dog Fancy because there was an adorable pug on the cover. Or more specifically
, because there was an adorable pug on the cover wearing an even adorabler sweater.

  I know what to do next! I’ll call the store and see if I can order the pug sweater in my size!

  7:33 AM, EST

  Oh, wait! I can’t call the store. It’s only seven thirty in the morning.

  7:35 AM, EST

  NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MYSELF?

  There’s nothing left to read. The only TV show they’re playing is the news, and it’s too early to call any of my friends.

  Wait! I just had a brilliant idea. Have you guys ever heard of blogging? It’s all the rage among the kids these days. A blog or web log is an online diary.

  Lots of kids have them as a way of keeping their friends up-to-date with whatever’s going on in their lives.

  Which got me thinking . . . I have friends! I have things going on in my life! I can get online! In fact, I’m online right now! Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me that I should start a blog! A secret blog about my Berkeley trip! For my Philadelphian friends to read. Sounds so crazy, it just might work.

  Okay, here I go. Bye for now.

  To: [email protected]

  [email protected]

  From: [email protected]

  Subject: You Are Pre-approved!

  Dear Lynn and Fippy,*

  Congratulations! I’m writing to let you know that as preferred customers, you have just qualified to become exclusive readers of my new secret blog. You can find it at www.whathappensinmyblogstaysinmyblog.com. Once you log in, you will immediately begin enjoying these fabulous perks: 1. Fashion and Beauty tips fresh from the West Coast

  2. Gossip

  3. Information on a wide range of subjects generally considered too inappropriate to share

  These perks do not include sharing my secret blog address with others.

  Others include:1. Friends